Pressing Pause

I’m experience something most people go through daily.  Mind fatigue.  I had forgotten that using your mind can be so tiring.  Isn’t there a saying to that effect, ‘the brain is a muscle and needs to be exercised’?  Mine is very soft and tired and I did not expect this to be honest.

However, I’ve opened my ‘Jeanie Bottle’, I have so many ideas I want to explore.  I have a photo art project I want to create; I want to write a few topics on depression (this is one of them) for that one person who needs hope or guidance.  There is a bloated but exciting passion project on an entire album I’m writing.  The list seems very long at the moment, it’s all exciting for me and I want to do it right NOW!  But I can’t do all of it now.  I have to press pause.

The problem is how to balance my life at the moment. I cannot toss aside the routine I’ve grown into in the last 8 years.  My soul wants to run ahead in life but I can’t.  I have to safeguard my wife and I for any possible relapse.  I’ve nosedived our life to many times to risk it again.  I have to press pause on my new found ambition.  Routine first, my new hobby second.  One step at a time.

Establishing a routine was important to us.  It gave some structure in my life and a purpose.  Small things like the laundry, taking out the garbage, vacuuming and cleaning.  None of these things will stop our lives if it isn’t done.  It’s a safety net learned the hard way of too many failed restarts.  It’s all a small but important roll for me.  Similar to building the wooden framework of a house.  Little by little I put one board and beam up at a time.  Still not finished but it’s something I feel comfortable with and I don’t’ want to burn it down.

“Recovery can’t be rushed, those who are ill have to learn to take the steps themselves if they are going to succeed in the long term”

I’ve also decided to cut back on my cannabis use.  When I started, I had no clue on proper cannabis use, I did a lot of reading but like anything, you have to learn how to use it. Too little, too much, not enough time in between uses, too much time. I’ve settled upon once every other day. But I think over time the THC build up in my brain is causing my mind to go on overdrive.  I’m getting a bit too emotional, a bit too excited on all this.  I need to press pause.

This is normal, pressing pause on things. It’s what you have to do when you have a mental illness. Some things get overwhelming, sometimes every is overwhelming.  How long a person has to pause is up to them.  Recovery can’t be rushed, those who are ill have to learn to take the steps themselves if they are going to succeed in the long term

Sometimes I felt like never pushing the play button of life again. A lot of the time when I did, it felt as if I was still on pause.  I was very fortunate to have a person in my life who wanted to see the rest of the movie of life with me.  Some people don’t, my heart goes out to them.  I hope that these few words I have put out there can be found by someone in need someday.  

It’s okay to press pause in your life but have the courage to hit play once in a while.  One step at a time, you can do this.

Published by LifeReStarted

I am a disabled man in my late forties with mental illness. Major depression, anxiety panic disorder, agoraphobia. I have kept only one friend in all that time, my wife. I met my best friend in 1992 and married her in 1995. Ms. B is my beating heart, the reason I keep living. After 20 years, I am waking up to life. Now that I am awake, I want to create.

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