I need to rebuild my work ethic. I’m finding that I don’t really have one anymore. I’m so discombobulated from years of inactivity. It feels like my thoughts, ideas, and organization are all over the place. It probably shows in my writing too. Sure, you could say it’s because of the cannabis, and it could very well be. But I feel it’s more than that.
My mind used to be so dark and quiet. I think of it in terms of a long-abandoned house on an overcast Fall day. It was cold, quiet, dusty, dark, and empty. Echoes of who I was travel throughout my mind. Just as if you were to walk through a gloomy abandoned house looking at the past signs of life there. That’s how I felt, it’s a really hollow feeling in your life. There is no color. Everything is seen in shades of grey. Just like the blinds drawn on an overcast day. Empty of life. That is day-to-day living with long-term depression.
I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel the sun, hear the birds, smell the fresh breeze. I can finally taste life once more and I want to be a part of the world again. To me, everything is inspiring, it is overwhelming at times. After so long of doing nothing but breathing, I’m lost on what to do and where to go and how to get there with my life. This is only one step of my journey to somewhere.
So, I’ll try the seesaw idea.
So, I have some crazy notion of trying to market myself as a commodity. Isn’t that what a lot of bloggers do already? I have these ‘wonderful’ ideas on where I want to go in life, of running a website, of writing some series for some paper or magazine. I’m just like a million other writers out there. How do I even get close to these goals? I need a work ethic again and I need to learn how to balance my life with my …career? Is that what I’m trying to do here? Yeah, I guess its a possibility, time will tell.
For me, I need to slowly make more life habit changes. Drastic changes never stick for a person like me. Everything needs to be done in slow steps. Should I try to schedule my life into blocks like normal people? Should I go with a seesaw approach, writing one day then the next do something for the household? Just go freestyle and try to wing it? I see that trying to block off and scheduling things might meet with frustration and failure. Freestyle is to unpredictable and unfocused. So, I’ll try the seesaw idea.
Now the next question, how much time should I spend on something? My guess would be to do as much as I want while being healthy about things. I need to make time for eating, exercise, stepping away to smell the roses sort of stuff and most importantly, my responsibilities. I have a rough idea of what I want to do and if it doesn’t work out, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I guess that’s another step for another time.
It might take me a while to build up a work ethic, I’m okay with doing the work so long as I’m moving forward. So, how much time am I willing to give myself, a year or two? Should I be harder on myself and push? If so, when? So many question, I guess I’ll have to discuss it with my therapist! For now, I’ll just have to start to put the work into this and see what happens.